Nobody Said It Was Easy.

to be honest, i don't even know what i'm doing anymore.
everything is routine.
my life is made up of mundane tasks.
i wake up.
i go to work (usually).
i fake a smile.
i pine, and crash and burn.
i wish for certain things.
i leave.
i spend time with my friends.
i stay up too late doing practically nothing.
i fall asleep to the office.

I'm Feeling Void. Inadequate. Not Myself.
i worked from six to noon today; i don't mind six in the morning sunday shifts. it's quiet, and few people bother me the first two hours of my shift. and usually whitney works at seven, and so we take advantage of fat sunday.
after i got off work, i got gussied up and went to sacrament meeting.
i sincerely loathe how anti-social i've become.
i talked to three people the entire hour and ten minutes i was at church today.
jordan, who always says hi to me. which is something i like about him. also his firm handshakes.
trisha, who didn't really say anything except, "here's your visiting teaching assignment."
bishop tweede, who never fails to shake my hand.
and that was it. i sat alone, per usual. maybe i should sit with chelsea. she loves me still, i think.
i just ostracize myself from people at church. because i've been in the ward for about, sixteen months or so, and yet i know hardly anyone because i never speak to anyone.
i work most sundays, i'm really shy around people i don't know. (i wasn't until i became a senior in high school. swell.) it's hard to make it through three whole hours, because i don't have any really great friend there with me, or anyone, really, urging me to stay.
fast and testimony meeting might've been what i needed today. because all of the testimonies were amazing, granted, the last two i kept dozing off due to lack of sleep, but still.
things have been off the past week or two.
i know it's because i'm not doing what i'm supposed to be doing. this is almost always the case.
and i'm not depressed, i'm just.... sad.
sad about where i am, purely because of me.
sad because people around me are sad and stressed out.
sad because courtney is leaving, and she's become one of my best friends. and i'm happy she's going, but i'm also rather sad to see her go.

There Are Other Things, But I'm Not Trying To Throw A Pity Party.
just, get out my feelings, i s'pose.
because i've been bottling things up, and crying a little here and there. when in reality, i just need a good sob to make me feel better.

there are still little things in life that keep me upbeat, though.
my family, they make me happy.
my friends, they'll always care.
the office, john krasinski is the love of my life and that show can put a smile on my face, always.
cards from my sister, she writes me sincerely the most beautiful things. she is amazing. (all of my sisters are.)
BYU games with my papa, i'll always love my team.
coldplay, "you know how i know you're gay? you like coldplay." :)
people, places, and things.
the book of mormon, when i read it, i do feel better, and i find more clarity.

I Should Focus More On The Positives In Life,
because it's all about perspective.
and there are so many people who have it so much worse than i do.
i'm one of the lucky ones.
it's just the change in the season, the changes in my mind.