I'm A War Of Head Vs. Heart.

today has been weird.

i checked for four hours again, this morning. i like it so much more than bagging. but i hardly remember any produce codes, so i need to work on that. one thing i haven't been so fond of with training the past two days has been the lady training me. yes, she's being helpful and i appreciate it, but she's treating me like a child and trying to control everything i do. i find it incredibly annoying. but, what can you do? nothing, really. i'm starting to get the hang of it, so that's all that matters. although next week they're training me in the booth and that makes me nervous because there is so much money i have to deal with. somehow i'll manage.

the banker finally spoke to me today. more than just, "hi amelia". needless to say, that brought a smile to my face. i probably never mentioned that i threw in the towel with my like and lust for him, but, i did. last week? maybe the week before? it's just gotten weird, and i'm pretty sure he can tell that i mildly "dig" him. (i dig him like a grave. but whatever.) so i've ignored him and haven't spoken to him much the past two weeks, and he hasn't either. but today he did. and that was quaint, to say the least. granted, it's still somewhat awkward and forever will be. so, that's it.

i believe i'm sick. it's a combination of a cold, outside allergies and my allergy to cats. cyler, jenn and i are house and dog sitting for danea; we have been since last week. it's been kind of nice, the three of us being responsible and whatnot, but there's so much dog fur and then fur from her two cats that i'm practically dying. i wake up and it's difficult to breathe. danea might come home tomorrow, though, so then i shan't have to worry about it anymore. basically, cy and i are jenn's parents this week. he cleans, i fix dinner for us. we veg. we watch movies every night. i really have enjoyed it. i'll almost be sad to see it over, and yet really happy at the same time.

i miss lilly. it's her birthday, today. she'd be five. it's sad how fast time flies. you think that certain months and days will last forever. that you'll always be so young. but that's not true. it can't be true. we can be young at heart, but we'll always have an age. whether we acknowledge it or not. lilly lived five weeks. they were very good weeks. i skipped a lot of ninth grade, because harriet and i would stay the night at em's and take care of her. i love those memories. she was so cute. really, you don't even know. lilly died on my fifteenth birthday. that was a hard day. we'd been in napa most of the week, visiting grandma for thanksgiving. that friday we went to san francisco, for the first time ever. emily called and said that lilly was getting sick, so we needed to come back. so we cut our trip short. i still remember pulling away from the dock. the way the city lights lit up the night. that's my favorite part of going to san francisco. the ferry ride back. we drove through the night and made it back to utah the next morning. it was the day of the BYU vs. utah football game. the whole family spent time together, and we all cherished what little time left we had with lilly. and then she passed away. and it was all very sad, and yet somewhat happy as well. because she was made for so much more than this life, and had so much more to do on the other side. and she wasn't suffering anymore. it wasn't that great of a birthday, let's be honest. but it's a day i'll remember forever. and hey, byu won for the first time in years. so there was good and bad all mixed together. i miss you, baby girl. you're a sweet spirit and i know you look out for me. i do.

i miss courtney. i miss getting breakfast food really late at night. going to the movies every week. seeing her open a bottle with her teeth. hear her talk about james franco. so many little things. it's been hard, probably not as hard on me as lexi and jenn, but still, it's been quite an adjustment and it'll take a long while to get used to.

i know none of my posts have a pattern anymore or a rhyme or reason. life is just hectic, and my thoughts are so jumbled that i don't know which way is up.
and today i just don't feel well. but i'm just venting, mildly, and explaining life and predicaments and all that jazz.
hope you had a good tuesday.