i just feel like my life has no direction. honestly. i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing. or, more importantly, what i want to do. i was planning on going to UVU in january, but they never emailed me back when i filled out the application, and instead of taking the bull by the horns and going down there or calling, i just gave up. as i have with everything else in my life.
when i was in junior high, people would ask what my biggest fear was. i, of course, would always mention spiders and sharks but ultimately i always answered with being a disappointment to others and myself, and also being a failure. who knew i would become both of those things. ha. growing up can be cruel. or maybe a lack thereof of growing up, really. because i turn 21 in less than 10 days and have no idea what i'm doing.
what's making everything more difficult is that i feel like i'm losing one of my best friends. it scares me. i don't know what to do. i feel like i'm trying, but not trying hard enough. but i just don't know how to show him that he's important to me or that i love him wholeheartedly. just because one set of feelings changes towards a person, doesn't mean all the feelings change. we're both wanting to move on and move forward. but it's hard for us to take steps in a positive direction. i'm the most indecisive person on the planet. i essentially suck at life. and i don't want things to get more distant between us. this is already killing me. more than i'm allowing myself to admit.
and then there's one of my other best friends, and also the guy that i have a huge thing for, but have yet to tell. i'm scared to tell him because i feel like it will change everything before us. confiding in each other will have been for naught. he'll think i just became friends with him because i like him. when i was friends with him before i started to really like him. but i feel like that's a difficult thing to reiterate with someone. i just can't explain how happy he makes me. i don't know. i don't talk about it a lot anymore because it's weird and as of late, i hate putting my feelings out there. tonight i dropped him off after we watched bottle rocket, and we sat outside his house talking for an hour. he told me of his recent adventures and problems and just about random things. and it was nice. okay, so it's always nice being with him. we have so much in common, and yet there are some vast differences. especially in quite a few lifestyle choices. but i love him anyways. and he told me he wants to change some things in his life. so i believe that's a good thing.
and my best friend that i feel like i'm losing isn't the fondest of the gentleman i'm in like with. he has his reasons, i guess. which i get. but he doesn't know him like i do. i feel like few people do, actually. but that's neither here nor there.
i feel like i'm being torn in half, a little.
and i feel like i have no direction.
i'm truly at a loss.
(although, i did meet with one of the counselors in the bishopric earlier this week and we talked for like 40 minutes. it was a really good talk. i was pretty open about mistakes that i've made that i haven't really admitted to before, and we talked about some of the things i want to do and how my life has no direction. and he told me to rely on the lord, and to make a plan. but it's so hard for me to take that step. to ask Him for help. why do i make things difficult on myself? sigh.)