Some Days Taste Like Lemonade, Some Days Feel Like Razorblades.

some days you just get to the point of not knowing what to do.
you say you'll change your ways, insisting you'll make changes in your life,
but too often there is a lack of follow through.
i am quite certain that that's my biggest flaw.
i am the most non-confrontational person on the planet, and i have the absolute worst follow through.
and so many times i've claimed that i'm going to do better, that i'm going to try more, and strive to make a difference.
but so rarely do i ever accomplish a single thing i say i'm going to.
for some reason, this time it feels different.
i deleted my tumblr.
i know that may sound like nothing to anyone who reads my blog, but i pretty much dedicated like an hour a day at least to "tumbling" for the past year or so.
and it's a pointless website, really. just a place for people who obsess over celebrities and tv shows and everything else random gather together.
last night i decided i was done. i was through wasting so many hours of my life to something that doesn't benefit me at all.
and i'd be lying if i said i wasn't having minor withdrawals from wasting my time on there-- because i really am. (which is sad. i acknowledge this.)
but cyler and i were talking last night, and he sent me an 18 page text, and it said a lot, and through our conversation i realized that i don't know what i'm doing or what i want in the slightest.
and so i decided i would take a small step to moving on with my life, and trying to put childish things behind me.
such as wasting my time on a website for hours.
i know it seems silly, but it feels like something kind of big for me.
it's one small positive step in the right direction.
and next week i plan on taking the ACT.
and i plan on being acountable for this. that's why i'm saying it here.
because i need to take it, so i can register for school, so that i can move on with my life.
i'm tired of doing nothing.
i'm tired of just work at the same old place.
i'm tired of not bettering myself by not learning.
i'm tired of being dormant.
i'm tired of this sameness that consumes me day in and day out.

lately, everything is changing, and i'm longing to catch up and to make my own mark on the world.

i'm just emotionally exhausted.
barbara perrie passed away last week, and it's been really difficult to deal with.
not just because i spent a lot of time with her, and she was important to me, but because i feel so bad for my sister and brother in law.
i know it's so hard on them to lose her, and it just hurts me to see them hurt. to know that they're feeling sorrow.
i've cried so much this week, i can't even remember the last time i cried as hard as i have been.
she was a part of my family. she always will be.
at least i am at peace with the knowledge that she is in a better place where she is free from her body.
and i know she's watching over us. i can feel her smiling down.

but it has just been difficult. for everyone, really.
and perhaps her death has sparked something in me.
this desire to live my life better, to make her proud of me, even.

and my heart just goes out to someone close to me as well.
because i don't know how to help him; i just don't.
nothing i say can fix him, but i am trying to do better towards him to help him through this certainly rough patch.
i just feel lost, y'know?

But, I Am Going To Try.
i am going to try for myself,
i am going to try for others,
i am going to try to better my own life and help better the lives of those around me.
and,
i am going to learn to be accountable for my actions.
i am going to strive, strive, strive.
no one can do this for me except myself.

what good is a life not well-lived?