Monday, June 13, 2011

Sing It Out, I, Never Meant To Cause You Trouble.

i listen to coldplay late at night, for reasons unknown.
just like that killers song, for reasons unknown.
"i pack my case.
i check my face.
i look a little bit older.
i look a little bit colder."

man, i used to love the killers.
more than i can express.
i moved the poster of them levitating, that i purchased at the concert of theirs i went to in ninth grade, to a different wall in my room.
now the maine sit happily atop my bed.
what does this have to do with?
absolutely nothing.

i'm in this odd mood.
i watched this film called identity with cy and e.
needless to say, it was really weird.
and mildly creepy?
i do not know how to properly describe it.

today at work, this girl who i work with wouldn't leave me alone.
as i did go backs, she followed me around the store, talking about how she and her boyfriend were taking a break but still dating and how he's so hot, but she can powerflirt with the weird non-foods kid all she likes.
one,
your boyfriend is not hot.
disgusting, is more like it.
creepy.
and looks like a canine.
the canine i'd say he most resembles?
hound dog.
two,
your "type" is cowboys, which i stray from.
i do not long to be a cowgirl.
i like a man who's outdoorsy, but not the riding horses and feeding livestock kind of outdoorsy.
just because the non-foods kid said "y'all" to us, doesn't mean he's a cowboy.
so. eww. just stop. for all that's holy.

it made me sad today when cyler said he felt sad because everyone is going off in all these different directions and doing big things with their lives.
welcome to my life, every day.
i have zero accomplishments. i am being dead serious.
i couldn't even win the school spelling bee as a sixth grader, i came in tenth.
such a shame.
and he just graduated high school. he plans on going on a mission probably in the fall, but how can he say he's going nowhere?
he'll be gone. for two whole years. doing something that's bigger than himself.
bigger than you and i.
i already feel like an unaccomplished loser, i can't even imagine two years lacking him.
i rarely talk about it, because it makes me ache, in all honesty.

so, on that note, let's gingerly move on.

my father is in canada.
i envy him.
i long to travel, especially to other countries.
even be it little big ol' canada.

my house is too warm. it makes me feel constricted.
i'd turn the air on, but i'm not entirely sure what all windows in my house are wide open.
it'd take a lot of investigating, plus, harriet might get upset at me.
sigh.
oh well.

last night, at two in the morning, actually,
i wrote a three page journal entry of thoughts and feelings that i think fairly often and things that i often long to do, but never could or would.
it's such a weird entry.
but maybe i feel some sort of elation in putting onto paper some of my deep thoughts.
i just hope that no one ever gets a hand on my journal.
i would LITERALLY die of embarrassment.
but, whatever. it's all memories, baby.

today was decent,
i won't lie.
but i hope tomorrow is better --
as in, i hope tomorrow is more of an adventure than today.
i long for the outdoors.
and all that fresh air.

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