Friday, September 23, 2011

a rambling post if there ever was one.

i'm just frustrated. strained. stressed. the reason behind this? i honestly do not know. i've just been in a glass case of emotion all week. i'm so sick of everyone, and everything, and just want to be.... not here. my only pieces of sanity are my nieces and nephews. sorry, siblings. i love you too, but i am having a difficult time dealing with anyone who can properly talk. people who tell me how to live or not live my life. who judge the choices i make. who judge how i feel. people who just don't get it. i'm sick of being told, "you just wouldn't understand." i can't handle anyone. i wish that today i could just live in a tent, deep in the woods. alone with books, dim lighting, my ipod january, and a tv so i could watch the office and parks and rec. i want to cry for no reason. and scream the lyrics of my favorite songs from the tops of buildings. i'm stuck in this valley. stuck in the same old place; emotionally. i'm overwhelmed by the frustrating fact that i only like men that i cannot and will not ever have. i seem to have always had a thing for unattainable men. i obsess over celebrities that i will never meet. and yet i love them as if we've been the dearest kin for years. bryson will never like me back. and, honestly, that really sucks. i hate that he's married. i hate seeing his wedding ring every single time that i see him. i don't know if i genuinely like him, or i like the idea of him. we just get along so well. and i look forward to seeing him at work. i dislike the days he isn't over in the bank. i steal glances all the time. sure, it's creepy and wrong. but they're my feelings. and i can't help it, honestly. no one really gets it. i'm just going crazy. even cliff got married. not that there was anything really there, just a crush on a nice man who told me i had a beautiful singing voice and a pretty dress. i build up ideas in my head of what could happen. sometimes, such an imagination is not really a positive thing. the romantic that i am has just set me up for failure. i am destined to be alone in love my whole life. i feel it. i don't have that inkling of hope i once did, that some man will fall madly in love with my blue eyes and my awkward sense of humor. i'm not trying to throw a pity party, here. i don't want compliments or reassurance that surely i will find the right man for me. i'm being totally honest when i say that i'm almost positive that my so called "love life" will lead nowhere. i'm not a lonely person, but this new revelation makes me feel very alone. i don't want a man to fall in love with me right now. i'm not in the right place. but that doesn't mean that i don't want anything. i don't want to live on dust particles and ideas. i feel alone in my feelings. not only about love, but about everything. i didn't mean to turn this post into being about love. because, really, i don't think love is what's wrong with me. i'm just stuck inside this rut that i fell into by mistake. (thanks relient k.) and i know it's me. i hold myself back. i'd be better if i were being more productive with my life. i have a low-paying, zero respect job in which people who do the same thing as me are sixteen and seventeen years old. people are always asking, "what are you doing these days?" and i give them the gist of, "oh, i'm going to go to school in january. i don't know what i want to do, so it's made it hard for me to make a decision, school wise." in which they reply, "well you can at least take your generals. that's better than nothing." i know. i know i should be doing that. but most people don't know that i got my GED at the beginning of august; so i couldn't have started school even if i really wanted to. (and i don't. at all. school and me are a volatile combination.) i just wish i had a job that made me feel better about where i am. and i wish i were going to school. i don't know what i want to do, but that's not really what's holding me back. i see all these people going to schools, living their lives. and they are far more interesting than i am. i don't feel like anyone respects me. and that hardly anyone likes me anymore. i guess i'm just feeling down on myself, because i'm not happy. and shouldn't i be? i also blame a lack of church going, on my part. i've had to work most sundays, so the good pattern i'd gotten back into has essentially diminished. not that i talk to hardly anyone in my ward. i've become anti-social, church-wise. i avoid people, and conversation. i have no idea what sparked this change. i don't know. this is mostly rambling, because i feel like i can't really talk to anyone this week. i feel like they just don't and won't understand. and i just feel bad for cyler. because he and his girlfriend "broke up", and so he hasn't been feeling himself. and he's been lashing out. i'm frustrated because i don't know what to do. because there's nothing that i can do to fix him. he's basically said that. i'm trying to be supportive, but he just gets upset easily. and i know it's hard. i do. maybe i'm just going crazy. i just hope this weekend is good. i'm looking forward to camping, and moneyball tomorrow. and having bryson deposit my check today. ha. i'm a girl of simple likes.

2 comments:

  1. i'm sorry, amelia.
    you're still wonderful.
    come work with me at my job.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete

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