Saturday, March 5, 2011

A Change Of Disposition.

sometimes i feel like nothing ever changes, and that i'm going to be stuck in the exact same place for the rest of my life unless i become the difference that i need.

I Don't Have High Enough Expectations For Myself; For My Life.

why shouldn't i want to try for everything i possibly can?

What Is Holding Me Back?
i know the answer, it's me; it's my own insecurities.

my insecurities that no man will ever want me for more than just a friend.
my insecurities that i can't pass the GED test.
my insecurities that if i put myself out there, people actually won't like me that much.
my insecurities that i don't have the voice or charisma of a leader.

i believe that a lot of this is stemming from my lack of spirituality as of late.
i've been opting out of the long chapters of the book of mormon and reading short D&C ones instead.
i miss church at least one sunday a month.
when i actually do go to church, i only attend one or two things. i feel the need to have to go home.
i tend to ostracize myself from others, and often sit alone by choice.
i don't go to practically any out-of-church events.

Tomorrow I Can Only Attend For An Hour, Tops.
because i work four to midnight.
and i wish this weren't the case; i would enjoy going for all three hours.

But March Will Be A Month Of Change For Me.
i'll schedule a date to take the GED.
i'll save up the money to fix my car.
i'll read a chapter of the BOM every night, no matter how long.
i'll go to church for all three hours, and go to other church activities.
i'll be a better friend, sister, daughter, and aunt.

Lord, Beer Me Strength.
heavens knows i will need it greatly.

1 comment:

  1. New month, new leaf.

    I've been feeling weighed down by my insecurities a lot lately, too. And on top of that, my parents keep on telling me that I need to step up and be a leader to beef up my college applications. I suppose it *is time for a change.


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