fa la falling.

i didn't realize up until now that today's the two year anniversary of my nephew ryker dying.


i still remember that day really well. i put friends before family, and even though i do regret it, i think it was better i was with my two best friends at the time rather than being a crying mess at the hospital.


i have a lot of regret about ryker. i only saw him twice in the like seven weeks he was alive. i didn't even go up the day that he died, even though i easily had the chance to. i instead went to taylor's and watched the three bourne movies with her and cy. my dad called me towards the end of the first movie and told me what happened.


i can still picture oh so clearly me standing in the hall by taylor's stairs. i remember crying, and i remember taylor giving me a hug and cyler telling me that he was sorry.

it's a hard thing for me to think about, and i don't like to think about it much at all.

i don't know if i regret not going up to the hospital with my parents.
i don't know how it would've gone had i been there.

i'm just glad that i had cy and taylor that day, honestly. even motherflippin' matt damon helped. but i cried through almost all the movies, and neither of them knew what to do to help. i guess there wasn't much to do. but they made me laugh, and distracted me. really, it helped a lot.


good has come out of ryker's passing. i now have an adorable nephew named collin who is so sweet and so cute, he could be my own child. :) and really, i love him dearly.

one thing i remember of that weekend was the next day i went to church. and when i walked into sunday school, pretty much a red-eyed mess, cyler gave me a hug and said "give me some sugar". i'd never hugged him before, and the fact that he said that instanly made me feel a little better.


it's strange seeing how much has changed in two years. i know me and taylor aren't quite friends anymore, but we still talk sometimes. and i'm so glad i have cyler still and that he's my best friend. really, i'm grateful for all the friendships i have. i mean, i have cy, yennifer, ash, val, kier, and others. i'm so very lucky and so very blessed.


i just hope that if anything like this happens to any one of my friends, i'll be able to be there for them. i'm not the greatest friend on the planet but i'm trying.


i miss ryker and lilly but know that if i live my life the best that i can that maybe i'll be able to spend some time with them in the afterlife.
it's good motivation.